Retired English Professor

Radio Trickery

2011-10-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

I have listened to the same radio station - 107.5 FM - for over forty years. During that time I have heard over a dozen different morning DJ's come through. I like the most recent host as he is politically minded and is not overtly insulting as are many of the previous morning hosts. Enjoying the new DJ, I started listening more regularly, often planning my morning coffee around the show's schedule. This week I called and entered one of their contests. It was a simple "be the seventh caller" scenario. The winner of this particular call-in would win a $200 gift card for stocking stuffers. I figured this would be perfect for my little grandchildren! I called and was #4; I called again and I won! I was ecstatic.

I drove down to the station to pick up my winnings. It turns out that the gift certificate for "Stocking Stuffers" was not for odds and ends for Christmas; "Stocking Stuffers" is the name of and adult store over in Eugene! Color me red! I was going to spend that money on my grandkids, but I spent it on Philip instead.

World Tour 2011

2011-10-02T08:27:00.001-07:00

Philip and I just returned from a wonderful world vacation! For nearly two months we have been vacationing and exploring places neither of us have even been. We started our vacation on the AMAZING Crossword Cruise - a ten day Caribbean Cruise - filled with crosswords! All you that know me well know that I do enjoy a good word smithing or two, so this was heaven for me! After we returned from the Crossword Cruise we flew to Vietnam and crossed over into Cambodia to go hunting. We read about a place that allows the most extreme hunting imaginable. It was really quite the experience! In one of the street shops in Vietnam we came across some beautiful spoons to add to my collection.

We then flew to Ulanbataar, Mongolia and did an extended "Nomadic Life" tour of outer Mongolia. Is was a beautiful country with beautiful people. They certainly live a life of simplicity. We could learn a lot from these people. They could, however, learn how to cook edible food from western civilization. They tried to feed us rodent several times (I lost about ten pounds in Mongolia).

We returned home quite road weary! We slept for the better part of two days before getting back into our routine. It was a little bit of a transition going back to playing bridge and shuffleboard at the Senior Center after playing copious amounts of Crosswords, blowing up cows with rocket launchers, and living like a nomad for a few weeks. I feel like a changed woman. All of a sudden, bridge seems insignificant in terms of the whole universe. We subscribed to the New York Times so that we can do puzzles by the world's leading cruciverbalists. We also decided to have a garage sale and get rid of some of our "stuff." Philip and I learned a lot about simplicity from the Mongolian nomads. Unfortunately, there is no way for us to incorporate blowing up cows into our lifestyle.

We have already begun planning our next vacation. We will go to Africa! We hope to take in a safari, visit the war-torn Sierra Leone, and take a cruise down the Nile.

Thong Song - Sisqo

2011-06-05T08:22:00.003-07:00

A fun little ditty about summer sandals - "Thong Song" by Mr. Sisqo.

This thing right here
Is lettin all the ladies know
What guys talk about
You know
The finer things in life
Hahaha
Check it out

This forthcoming document will inform women throughout the world of what the male gender discusses amongst themselves.
Amongst these are many of the finer things in life.
Commence with reading this document as to obtain a greater portion of knowledge pertaining to said finer things.

Ooh dat dress so scandalous
And ya know another nigga couldn't handle it
See ya shakin that thang like who's da ish
With a look in ya eye so devilish

The dress with which the body of a particular female is adorned would make even the most riotous among us blush.
Americans of African descent can not properly ascertain the promiscuity of this scantily clad woman.
She is shaking so violently as to appear devilish.
Restated, this woman is most certainly possessed by the devil.

Uh
Ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots
Not just urban she likes the pop
Cuz she was livin la vida loca

The woman discussed above frequents many of the popular dance clubs of the day.
In addition, she enjoys playing "Connect the Dots" whilst aboard a Caribbean Cruise.
She enjoys carbonated beverages in not only the city, but also in suburban and rural settings.
All of things are accomplished because she lives the life described in Ricky Martin's 1999 musical masterpiece, "Living la Vida Loca."

[BRIDGE]
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
Uh
I think to sing it again
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thong

[BRIDGE]
The aforementioned woman is also a business woman. From her grandfather she inherited a fleet of dump trucks.
When ordering a fancy restaurants she often orders thigh meat; the stuttering waiter responds with "what, what, what would you like upon your thigh?"
After her dinner at the five-star restaurant, she returns home to relieve the babysitter. Her infant has not yet been put to bed. She admires her young daughter that attempts to crawl and scurry across the floor. Diaper in air, shuffling about and this scandalous woman talks to the young child thusly, "baby, move your butt."
This song is a literary masterpiece, I will repeat some of the lyrics.
The aforementioned woman is also a business woman. From her grandfather she inherited a fleet of dump trucks.
When ordering a fancy restaurants she often orders thigh meat; the stuttering waiter responds with "what, what, what would you like upon your thigh?"
Throughout the entire summer night this woman wear sandals. Another woman stops her on the street and asks, "Let me see your thongs." The two women discuss their love of shoes and instantly bond over this
shared interest.

[CHORUS]
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong

[CHORUS]
I, the male who is telling this tale of what men speak whilst amongst themselves, enjoys when a rhythmic beat is performed thusly: da na da na.
While at home watching our infant, our young child unknowingly crawls about, moving her backside with the same rhythm discussed above: da na da na.
Previously, this document discussed the scantily clad woman and how she happened to interact with another woman who loved her sandals. As they became instant friends and made plans to go shoe shopping together. At some point in this trip, one turned to the other and stated, "Show me those thongs. I am considering purchasing a pair for my ever-growing collection of shoes."
While at home watching our infant, our young child unknowingly crawls about, moving her backside with the same rhythm discussed above: da na da na.
Previously, this document discussed the scantily clad woman and how she happened to interact with another woman who loved her sandals. As they became instant friends and made plans to go shoe shopping together. At some point in this trip, one turned to the other and stated, "Show me those thongs. I am considering purchasing a pair for my ever-growing collection of shoes."

That girl so scandalous
And I know another nigga couldn't handle it
And she shakin that thang like who's da ish
With a look in her eye so devilish

The dress with which the body of a particular female is adorned would make even the most riotous among us blush.
Americans of African descent can not properly ascertain the promiscuity of this scantily clad woman.
She is shaking so violently as to appear devilish.
Restated, this woman is most certainly possessed by the devil.

Uh
She like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And she cruise to the crews like connect da dots
Not just urban she likes the pop
Cuz she was livin la vida loca

The woman discussed above frequents many of the popular dance clubs of the day.
In addition, she enjoys playing "Connect the Dots" whilst aboard a Caribbean Cruise.
She enjoys carbonated beverages in not only the city, but also in suburban and rural settings.
All of things are accomplished because she lives the life described in Ricky Martin's 1999 musical masterpiece, "Living la Vida Loca."

[BRIDGE]
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
Uh
I think to sing it again
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thong

[BRIDGE]
The aforementioned woman is also a business woman. From her grandfather she inherited a fleet of dump trucks.
When ordering a fancy restaurants she often orders thigh meat; the stuttering waiter responds with "what, what, what would you like upon your thigh?"
After her dinner at the five-star restaurant, she returns home to relieve the babysitter. Her infant has not yet been put to bed. She admires her young daughter that attempts to crawl and scurry across the floor. Diaper in air, shuffling about and this scandalous woman talks to the young child thusly, "baby, move your butt."
This song is a literary masterpiece, I will repeat some of the lyrics.
The aforementioned woman is also a business woman. From her grandfather she inherited a fleet of dump trucks.
When ordering a fancy restaurants she often orders thigh meat; the stuttering waiter responds with "what, what, what would you like upon your thigh?"
Throughout the entire summer night this woman wear sandals. Another woman stops her on the street and asks, "Let me see your thongs." The two women discuss their love of shoes and instantly bond over this
shared interest.

[CHORUS - 2X]
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong

[CHORUS - 2X]
I, the male who is telling this tale of what men speak whilst amongst themselves, enjoys when a rhythmic beat is performed thusly: da na da na.
While at home watching our infant, our young child unknowingly crawls about, moving her backside with the same rhythm discussed above: da na da na.
Previously, this document discussed the scantily clad woman and how she happened to interact with another woman who loved her sandals. As they became instant friends and made plans to go shoe shopping together. At some point in this trip, one turned to the other and stated, "Show me those thongs. I am considering purchasing a pair for my ever-growing collection of shoes."
While at home watching our infant, our young child unknowingly crawls about, moving her backside with the same rhythm discussed above: da na da na.
Previously, this document discussed the scantily clad woman and how she happened to interact with another woman who loved her sandals. As they became instant friends and made plans to go shoe shopping together. At some point in this trip, one turned to the other and stated, "Show me those thongs. I am considering purchasing a pair for my ever-growing collection of shoes."

Whoaaa
That dress so scandalous
And I swear another nigga couldn't handle it
See ya shakin that thang like who's da ish
With a look in her eye so devilish

The dress with which the body of a particular female is adorned would make even the most riotous among us blush.
Americans of African descent can not properly ascertain the promiscuity of this scantily clad woman.
She is shaking so violently as to appear devilish.
Restated, this woman is most certainly possessed by the devil.

(Whoa)
Uh ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots
Not just urban ya like the pop
Cuz she was livin la vida loca

The woman discussed above frequents many of the popular dance clubs of the day.
In addition, she enjoys playing "Connect the Dots" whilst aboard a Caribbean Cruise.
She enjoys carbonated beverages in not only the city, but also in suburban and rural settings.
All of things are accomplished because she lives the life described in Ricky Martin's 1999 musical masterpiece, "Living la Vida Loca."

(Whoa)
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
(Ooh)
Uh think to sing it again
Cuz she had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
Uh think to sing it again
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on

The aforementioned woman is also a business woman. From her grandfather she inherited a fleet of dump trucks.
When ordering a fancy restaurants she often orders thigh meat; the stuttering waiter responds with "what, what, what would you like upon your thigh?"
After her dinner at the five-star restaurant, she returns home to relieve the babysitter. Her infant has not yet been put to bed. She admires her young daughter that attempts to crawl and scurry across the floor. Diaper in air, shuffling about and this scandalous woman talks to the young child thusly, "baby, move your butt."
This song is a literary masterpiece, I will repeat some of the lyrics.
The aforementioned woman is also a business woman. From her grandfather she inherited a fleet of dump trucks.
When ordering a fancy restaurants she often orders thigh meat; the stuttering waiter responds with "what, what, what would you like upon your thigh?"
Throughout the entire summer night this woman wear sandals. Another woman stops her on the street and asks, "Let me see your thongs." The two women discuss their love of shoes and instantly bond over this
shared interest.

Yeahhhh yeah

Yes.

[CHORUS - 3X]
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong

[CHORUS - 3X]
I, the male who is telling this tale of what men speak whilst amongst themselves, enjoys when a rhythmic beat is performed thusly: da na da na.
While at home watching our infant, our young child unknowingly crawls about, moving her backside with the same rhythm discussed above: da na da na.
Previously, this document discussed the scantily clad woman and how she happened to interact with another woman who loved her sandals. As they became instant friends and made plans to go shoe shopping together. At some point in this trip, one turned to the other and stated, "Show me those thongs. I am considering purchasing a pair for my ever-growing collection of shoes."
While at home watching our infant, our young child unknowingly crawls about, moving her backside with the same rhythm discussed above: da na da na.
Previously, this document discussed the scantily clad woman and how she happened to interact with another woman who loved her sandals. As they became instant friends and made plans to go shoe shopping together. At some point in this trip, one turned to the other and stated, "Show me those thongs. I am considering purchasing a pair for my ever-growing collection of shoes."

Tena Free Sample

2011-05-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

To get a free sample of Tena's fine products, click here.

So far I have tried them with a dozen bran muffins and about a half-gallon of iced tea. Still in great shape!

Unofficial Sponsor

2011-05-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

This is not an official sponsor, but more of a testimonial. Philip decided to answer one of those "junk emails." Let's just say "Mission Accomplished."

Possible Sponsor?

2011-05-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

I was contacted by Tena about potentially having them sponsor this blog! Once I retired from teaching I figured that would be end of the work-for-pay portion of my life. That being said, I refuse to support any products that I do not believe in. Tena sent me some of their products and I have to say, I am quite impressed. I have been giving them a good, hard crap and they seem to really hold up. After literally a dozen bran muffins on the Red-Hat Ladies cruise I had to burst. Tena came to the rescue.

Best Books

2011-05-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

http://www.bestbooks.com has tried to compile of the "Best books of all-time." It is, however, a horrible list. Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is tied for the #1 slot - a disgrace. Same with anything by Jim Collins or Tolkien. Sell-outs. Philip K. Dick is where it's at. Oh, and Steinbeck. Many people dislike Steinbeck due to his pure verbosity, but that is where the brilliance lies! One must truly invest the time in consuming his words to derive the content. The kids these days want books that are under 800 pages. I have always said, and still believe, that a book is not a book unless it is over one thousand pages. I had to deal with complainers about this every semester when it came time for book reviews. These freshmen in college would try to get away with reading novella's (I consider this to be anything under 500 pages). To these students I would always mandate Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace. While not the longest book written, the students would become submissive after enduring his 1200 pages of brilliant mastery of the written word. I figured that if a student could not get through the four volumes of War and Peace in a single semester that they were not fit to be a University Student. I still believe this and enforce it in the occasion that I serve is some role as Professor Emeritus.

x Retired English Professor

Cruise

2011-05-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

Red-Hat Ladies Cruise! My Red-Hat Ladies group just returned from a ten day Caribbean Cruise. It was amazing! We had so much fun seeing the sights, taking in the sun, and playing bridge and penuckle. The best part of all? Philip gave me a "What happens in the Caribbean stays in the Caribbean" clause before I went! I believe I made the best of that situation.

My favorite things from the trip:

Good friends
Good food
Amazing sight-seeing
Good shopping
Well-placed bathrooms
Male exotic dancers that wore Aztec costumes (I have always had a weak spot for Aztec dancers).
All the bran muffins you could handle, literally.
A live band that played classic jazz so that we could "get our swing on."

It was a great trip. I would certainly sign up again (especially if Philip grants me the same clause!) ;-)

Love you, Philip.

Ke$ha's We R Who We R

2011-05-01T08:35:00.001-07:00

Hot and dangerous - My bridge partner Madge left her Pekinese in the car at her summer home in Florida. Truly a sad day.
If you're one of us then roll with us - If you would like to be included in our shuffleboard tournament, please come along.
'Cause we make the hipsters fall in love - There are many gentleman at the senior center with broken/replaced hips; they often fall for us.
When we got our hot pants on and up - My pants are both on and up.

And yes of course we does - ?
We runnin' this town just like a club - We collectively have a background in corporate management. Utilizing this skill set, we have opted to run this town like we would manage a country club.
And no you don't wanna mess with us - It is not advisable that you attempt any shenanigans.
Got Jesus on my necklace (lace-ace) - I am adorned with a graven image of our dear Lord.
Got that glitter on my eyes - Whilst preparing for the evening's festivities, I accidentally got some glitter in my eye. Phillip was able to get it out quickly.
Stockings ripped all up the side - I have a run in my hose.
Looking sick and sexy-fied - I was looking quite ill. I suppose this may be a fetish for some disgusting person out there.
So let's go-o-o - Let's go.
Let's go! - Let's go.

Tonight we're going har-har-h-h-h- hard - Tonight we shall play bridge as well as we are capable.
Just like the world is our-our-ah-ah-ah ours! - Many nickels and dimes depend on the quality of said bridge playing.
We're tearing it apar-par-pa-pa- part - Madge and I am doing quite well.
You know we're superstars - When we wear our large hats in public we feel like moviestars.
We R who we R - We are who we are.

We're dancing like we're dumb-dum-duh-duh-duh dumb - We are dancing fools.
Our bodies going numb-num-nuh-nuh-nuh numb - The medication Dr. Jackson gave me for my gout removes any sensation in my left leg.
We'll be forever young-yun-y-y-y young - Bridge and shuffleboard makes me feel no older than sixty-five.
You know we're superstars - When we wear our large hats in public we feel like moviestars.
We R who we R - We are who we are.

DJ turn it up - Doctor Jackson, can you increase the dosage of my medication?
It's about damn time to live it up - I have saved all my years for retirement.
I'm so sick of being so serious - While I miss my students, I am happy to not have to grade papers each night.
It's makin' my brain delirious - My medication sometimes has side effects.

I'm just talkin' true - I tell the truth, regardless of the consequence.
I'm tellin' you 'bout the shit we do - Dr. Jackson always asks about my bowel movements. The side effects of my medication are quite unfortunate.
We're selling our clothes - Phillip and I took a bag of clothes to Goodwill once we no longer has use of them.
Sleepin' in cars - I live in Eugene. Many people sleep in their cars.
Dressin' it down - We had a turkey for Easter recently. I prefer homemade stuffing to Stove Top.
Hittin' on dudes - I am remarried, so it is up to Madge to encourage the men with the repaired hips discussed above.
Hard - Hard
Got that glitter on my eyes - I really thought Phillip had successfully removed the glitter from my eye, but apparently, that was not the case.

Stockings ripped all up the side - I have a run in my hose.
Looking sick and sexy-fied - I was looking quite ill. I suppose this may be a fetish for some disgusting person out there.
So let's go-o-o - Let's go.
Let's go! - Let's go.

Tonight we're going har-har-h-h-h- hard - Tonight we shall play bridge as well as we are capable.
Just like the world is our-our-ah-ah-ah ours! - Many nickels and dimes depend on the quality of said bridge playing.
We're tearing it apar-par-pa-pa- part - Madge and I am doing quite well.
You know we're superstars - When we wear our large hats in public we feel like moviestars.
We R who we R - We are who we are.

We're dancing like we're dumb-dum-duh-duh-duh dumb - We are dancing fools.
Our bodies going numb-num-nuh-nuh-nuh numb - The medication Dr. Jackson gave me for my gout removes any sensation in my left leg.
We'll be forever young-yun-y-y-y young - Bridge and shuffleboard makes me feel no older than sixty-five.
You know we're superstars - When we wear our large hats in public we feel like moviestars.
We R who we R - We are who we are.

DJ turn it up - Doctor Jackson, can you increase the dosage of my medication?
DJ turn it up - Doctor Jackson, can you increase the dosage of my medication?
DJ turn it up - Doctor Jackson, can you increase the dosage of my medication?
DJ turn it up - Doctor Jackson, can you increase the dosage of my medication?

Tonight we're going har-har-h-h-h- hard - Tonight we shall play bridge as well as we are capable.
Just like the world is our-our-ah-ah-ah ours! - Many nickels and dimes depend on the quality of said bridge playing.
We're tearing it apar-par-pa-pa- part - Madge and I am doing quite well.
You know we're superstars - When we wear our large hats in public we feel like moviestars.
We R who we R - We are who we are.

We're dancing like we're dumb-dum-duh-duh-duh dumb - We are dancing fools.
Our bodies going numb-num-nuh-nuh-nuh numb - The medication Dr. Jackson gave me for my gout removes any sensation in my left leg.
We'll be forever young-yun-y-y-y young - Bridge and shuffleboard makes me feel no older than sixty-five.
You know we're superstars - When we wear our large hats in public we feel like moviestars.
We R who we R - We are who we are.

Ohh!! - Oh.

New Hobby

2011-01-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

A PhD in the English language has not prepared me for my Christmas Vacation. Philip and I visited, for the first time, his grandchildren. Philip's son teaches at Pepperdine. Pepperdine is a fine school, but the pay is not commensurate with housing prices in Malibu, even post-housing bubble. Therefore, Philip's son and his family live in Compton. This was my first visit to Compton; hopefully, it will be my last. I was, however, fascinated with some of the local dialects. Most of my research has been in the classical forms, but it was exciting attempting to transliterate many of the things I heard both spoken by the locals, and on radios. My grand-daughter listened to a song over and over again throughout our visit. I finally decided that I would put my degree and over thirty years of experience to good use and translate this song. I hope you enjoy a transliterated version of Fergie's Glamorous:

Fergie
Glamorous, featuing "Ludcris"

If you have not the financial wherewithal, return to thy dwelling place
Quoth I, "If you have not the financial wherewithal, return to thy dwelling place"
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

We procured tickets for the first-class section for our flight.
We are currently flying at an altitude of approximately 20,000 feet.
We are removing the corks from various champagne bottles.
We are living life in the fast lane. This is all so serendipitous that I have no desire to change.
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy (??)

The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous (the glamorous life, as it were)
By the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy (once again? flossy?)

I have, due to my fortunate financial circumstances, been able to afford jewelry of great financial worth; namely, gold and diamond rings.
These things (the jewelry) have little meaning in my highly satisfactory life, as I have so many wonderful possessions.
We shop for expensive things whilst being driven to and fro in limousines driven by expensive chaperones.
My life is so fantastically glamorous that I have appeared on the following: movie screens, magazines, and boogie scenes.
Although I am of great financial worth, I am neither clean nor pristine.
Similarly, I am neither queen nor machine.
I still find occasion to purchase uncooked meats via the drive through at Taco Bell.
All of these things affect me not - I am real.
It matters not how many recordings I sell through traditional distribution methods.
After the show, or after the Grammy Awards Show, I like to travel to wintry climates with my immediate family members.
Once we have arrived in said climes, I sip a beverage of my choosing and reminisce about the days on the farm when 'Pa had a wild horse.
And, once again, I'm in….

We procured tickets for the first-class section for our flight.
We are currently flying at an altitude of approximately 20,000 feet.
We are removing the corks from various champagne bottles.
We are living life in the fast lane. This is all so serendipitous that I have no desire to change.
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy (??)

The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous (the glamorous life, as it were)
By the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy (once again? flossy?)

Ludacris:
I shall wax poetic thusly: Wishings of champagne. Dream of fish eggs.
You deserve nothing but all the finer things of this earthly world.
Due to our exceeding wealth, the peasants have no clue what do with us.
I have enough money in the bank invested wisely that the two of us can live a comfortable life - living primarily off of the quarterly dividend checks.
In addition, I require a refrigerator with a crisper in order to keep the lettuce fresh.
Somehow, this refrigerator will support your shoe fetish.
Truly, we live a lifestyle so rich and famous that Robin Leach, host of the popular biopic show from the 1980's, "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous", will become jealous.
I will spend $500,000 on stones. After which will will take a vacation to Rome. Incidentally, we will start said trip "here".
So, If you have not the financial wherewithal, return to thy dwelling place
Quoth I, "If you have not the financial wherewithal, return to thy dwelling place"
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

We procured tickets for the first-class section for our flight.
We are currently flying at an altitude of approximately 20,000 feet.
We are removing the corks from various champagne bottles.
We are living life in the fast lane. This is all so serendipitous that I have no desire to change.
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy (??)

The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous (the glamorous life, as it were)
By the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy (once again? flossy?)

The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous (the glamorous life, as it were)
By the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy (once again? flossy?)

I have problems up to here *puts hand up to forehead, perpendicular to face*
There are people literally in my ear; they are telling me things I don't want to know.
I shall deride you publicly for telling me such woeful tales.
Once again, I would like to remind each of you that I have money invested wisely in a diversified account.
I would like to thank all of my fans, simply because I can remember yesterday. Yesterday, I dreamt about being on cable's Music Television Channel. Dreaming about appearing on this channel causes one to experience a rush of dopamine to the brian's sensory receptors.
Daggumitt, this road has surely been a lengthy one.
The industry experiences temperatures dropping below even those of the locales I frequent with my family post-Grammys.
I am glad my father told me that the industry would be so cold. He let me, his daughter, know that it would be cold.
I am glad my father told me that the industry would be so cold. He let me, his daughter, know that it would be cold.
I am glad my father told me that the industry would be so cold. He let me, his daughter, know that it would be cold.

Perm

2010-12-09T08:18:00.000-08:00

I went to the salon at the senior center last week to renew my perm. Marjorie did a fantastic job! Phillip says, "You have curls for days". I love my Phillip!

Garbage Day

2010-12-09T08:16:00.001-08:00

My garbage man came at 6:30 am today. We nearly missed him and would have to put up with the smell of used kitty litter for another week if we had not decided to catch the early bird special at Denny's today. We were just getting back from breakfast when the garbage man was coming down the street. It's the simple things that make life worth living!

Update #2

2010-12-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

Last month my dear Caligula went the way of the earth. He lived a good long life, but he got out one afternoon, wandered into a neighbors marijuana farm and ingested several of the female plants. The feline autopsist determined that Caligula died from THC overdose. One can only assume that Caligula was lured to the marijuana by the Praetorian Guard. History has repeated itself.

May we always remember my dear Caligula, emperor of cats:

New Computer

2010-12-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

Phillip purchased a new computer for our office as our Compaq finally bit the proverbial dust. It still worked just the same as it did when new, but we started getting error messages on certain website that said things like: "Your Browser is Out of Date. Please upgrade to IE 3." We clicked the box to download the internet, but then the site it brings us to said "IE 3 is no longer available". Well, damn. We went to Sears to get a new computer, but they seemed too fancy and had blue neon lights; we don't need anything like that. We finally went to Best Buy to get another Compaq.

We finally get the thing home and we have to install the internet again. We had to pay Best Buy $200.00 damn dollars to come install our internet. What made matters worse?

1) I could not remember my password for this blogger.
2) They cancelled pinochle at the senior center.
3) Golden Girls moved from 5:00 pm to 8:00 pm. I am simply not a night owl anymore. Once Trebek goes to bed, so do I.
4) My granddaughter got a tattoo and she spelled the darn thing wrong.

It should read "Sweet Pea". That's what my late husband would call her. She was getting this tattoo to remember him, but also as a retaliation against my remarrying. I feel badly for her that she cannot accept my Phillip for the wonderful man he is. I also feel badly for the little hussy that she has urine written on her back.

Update: For those that have been calling me and sending me telegraphs about this: my new hip is doing just fine. I walk around the mall each morning with no pain, thanks to these babies:

Phyllis out.

Things Old People Like

2010-06-14T19:27:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me a postcard with this web site address on it; I found it to be quite funny. It made me laugh out LOL!

http://deepfriar.wordpress.com/2008/07/08/more-things-old-people-like/

Eugene in the Summer

2010-06-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

If you have never visited Oregon in the summer months, you must. It still rains quite a bit, but not as much as in the winter. The summer days don't get as hot as they do down in Phoenix, where most of our friends have moved. Eugene and Springfield have a fantastic farmer's market where we get fresh bran and rhubarb each week. Philip likes to peruse the turquoise man-jewelry. He has recently added a large bracelet and ring to his collection of Native American (inspired) jewelry. He wears it everywhere and at all times. Yes, I said "all times".

We Have Moved!

2010-06-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

Philip and I have moved into the luxurious Ya-Po-Ah Terrace! We are loving it more than FDR's New Deal! Yes, it's just that good. They prepare two meals a day and do our laundry. It allows us the time to do the important things - playing on the regulation-sized bocce court! It just doesn't get much better than this.

http://www.yapoah.com/

Golden Girls

2010-06-09T12:43:00.001-07:00

Rue McClanahan just passed away. This makes three Golden Girls in three years. Only Betty White is left. At the current rate, Betty White will pass away in the summer of 2011 and I predict my own death in 2012, as we all know I am the fifth Golden Girl.

Elopement!

2009-05-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

Philip and I have been planning our wedding for some time now, but each of us has had some health issues and family things that keep taking time. We want to be able to spend as much time together instead of apart on different family visits and trips, so we decided to drive from Eugene down to Las Vegas and get married! We have both been married before, so we don't feel like we need the big church wedding. We were still technically married in a "church" (re: Chapel of Love). It was a beautiful, albeit tacky, ceremony with a fantastic Elvis impersonator reverend. After the ceremony we walked up and down the Las Vegas strip. Here are some of our favorite things:

I am now Phyllis Alexander!

This is the Only Thing Keeping My Heart Beating

2009-04-29T20:35:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2PUgDa1jy4

Besides Philip, of course. Philip, you are my rock.

My World is Upside Down

2009-04-29T20:25:00.001-07:00

I haven't been able to collect my thoughts this week. My heart is broken over the loss of one of the greatest actresses in a generation. Shakespeare has never been graced with such a star as Bea Arthur.

Oh, the Miracles of Science!

2009-03-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

I have, for some time now, been having some issues with my hearing. I didn't want to get a hearing-aid as they are uncomfortable. I tried most things on the market, including these:

That was challenging to travel with, as you can imagine. Luckily, I was watching reruns of the Golden Girls and I saw this infomercial:

This has been a couple months now, so I now have the 2001 model.

Getting With the Times

2008-11-10T20:35:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have stayed up on technology on the computer front, but I have never ventured into the mobile phone world. Being in academia, we always had the newest technology and computers installed in our classrooms and offices. I just never felt like I would need a mobile phone. With my accident this summer and the potential for more traveling in the near future, I finally decided to take the plunge. I saw this commercial on television and ordered it:

I love it! The keys are large so it is easy to handle and the speaker is of a high quality so I never have a problem hearing Philip on the other line.

Open Letter to Conservatives

2008-11-08T07:33:00.001-08:00

To all conservatives:

Conservatism is not dead in America. This week 52% of the voting population voted for a liberal president. One the other hand, conservative propositions throughout the country passed. So, are we a liberal country or a conservative country? President Elect Obama ran, for the past month or so, on a conservative principle: lower taxes. It appears that we are still, as a nation, conservative. How then do we go about promoting and teaching conservatism?

Here in Eugene, Oregon I am a fish out of water. Being a former professor at the University of Oregon I ostracized for my support of Reagan and later, Bush I and II.

Here are some of my positions:

Keep taxes low for people and businesses. Low taxes for businesses allow them to do research and development and hire more people.

Shrink the size and scope of government. The United States was originally formed as a Union, but with the individual states having more authority than the federal government. Each state is unique and has individual needs. Allow the state to govern.

Eliminate redundancies in government. Is it still necessary to have so many different branches of domestic crime fighting? We have FBI, CIA, Homeland Security, and others I am sure that I am not thinking of. This relates to the size and scope of the Federal Government.

Eliminate the IRS. Apply a flat tax - the same percentage for all income groups, or a flat sales tax. Oregon currently does not have a sales tax, but we have higher income and property taxes. I would happily trade that for a sales tax. Under the current tax structure we are taxed when we: I. Make the money; II. Save the money and make interest; III. Spend the money; IV. when we die. The Boston Tea Party was due to a 3% tax. We are close to 60% of our annual income when we add all taxes together. Surely the American people would not be struggling as much with credit and mortgage issues if they had most of the money in their pockets or bank accounts.

Allow businesses to grow or fail according to their own quality and skill. When a business does not have a superior product, the company fails. It is replaced by something superior. This is simply the way the market works. When we switched from VHS to DVD, VHS manufacturers failed if they did not switch over to making DVD's. Other markets need to function in this same way. If the auto makers can not make a superior product for a competitive price, then they fail. We do not need the tax payers to bail them out.

Keep socialism out of government. The House, Senate, and President Bush have already passed a $700 billion bail-out plan into law. This uses tax payer money and money borrowed from China to save investment and mortgage companies that made bad loans. What does this really mean? It means that the government own them and YOUR mortgage. Estimates now show that 70% of all mortgages are owned by the government. How do YOU feel about the government owning the home you live in? When you invest in a company, you get dividends if the company does well. We now have a situation where your hard-earned money is being used to bail out companies that gave loans to people that can't pay them back. You are paying for people to get their homes for free; you will not see a payout or a dividend from this "investment".

"Stimulus packages" don't work. Why should we accept the government raising taxes just to give us an "economic stimulus" package? Wouldn't it make sense to lower taxes so that money isn't taken from you in the first place?

On social issues:

I believe marriage is between a man and a woman.

The Government should not regulate religion.

Welfare should be a work-study or temp-to-hire program, not a free give-away.

I am sure there are more things I will think of later. What do you think? Do you agree or disagree? Let me know via email or in the comments.

x Retired English Professor

Election 2008

2008-11-04T11:27:00.000-08:00

Today has finally arrived. I am looking forward to this election more than any other since 1980 when Reagan won. Philip and I are having a little election get together with our Bocce group. We plan on playing some penuckle, drinking cognac, and watching election coverage.

Bad News

2008-10-31T18:10:00.000-07:00

Today Philip let me know something that has been haunting him (and yes, I have approval to share this information). Several years ago Philip had his identity stolen. His is not quite sure how it happened, but the individual took out credit cards and even got a mobile phone under Philip's name and information. You would think that would be a give away - you would think people would suspicious when they receive a call and the caller ID says "Philip Aleksander". I guess it didn't stop whoever it was that had the audacity.

This is just a friendly reminder to shred your documents before you throw them away and don't give out any sensitive information over the phone.

x Retired English Professor.

Phyllis Aleksander?

2008-10-28T13:39:00.000-07:00

Philip proposed marriage to this old, retired english professor, cat lady with one good hip! We are ecstatic. We are both widows, so we have obviously been down this road before. We are going to have a very small ceremony with just immediate family. Philip sat with me the entire time I was at the hospital and every day while I was recovering from my hip surgery. He is a wonderful man. For the first time in my life I will say that I am happy the Communists took power in Russia, causing the Aleksander family to flee the country to Oregon. I will ever be indebted to Lenin.

Winter Came Early This Year

2008-10-28T13:21:00.000-07:00

Winter has arrived early this year. All this talk of global warming - it sure doesn't feel like it to me.

This picture was taken on my back porch. You can obviously see the beautiful foliage and the drizzling rain. Can you point out the thing that doesn't belong? How about the large truck and trailer that went off the road into my property! Hydroplaning is no joke. I am urging my readers to get their tires checked for the upcoming winter, otherwise you may end up in the backyard of a retired english professor somewhere in the woods outside of Eugene, Oregon. But I digress.

The rain brings to my memory one of my favorite rain haikus:

First winter rain--
even the monkey
seems to want a raincoat

-Matsuo Basho

What beautiful imagery! Basho really captures the inner desire to protect ourselves from nature. Each of us is a "monkey", wanting a raincoat. Are we just protecting ourselves from "rain"? Or are we hiding from other things: responsibility, troubles, our past, relationships, work, IRS?

No matter what your situation, here's one Retired English Professor wishing each of you monkeys your individual raincoat.

x Retired English Professor.

Back At It

2008-10-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

One thing I have learned in my nearly seventy years of life is that if you fall off the proverbial horse, shoot the horse. I know that is not the proverb, I was just being sassy. This summer I wrote a weblog about my upcoming bus tour of the western United States. We were having a great time until I fell down the stairs of the Mormon Conference Center after listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I subsequently broke both my hip and my left wrist. My son had to come out to get me, so I was unable to finish the balance of the tour. As you can imagine, typing with a broken wrist was highly ineffective, so I have taken an extended leave of absence. I am able to get around with a walker as my hip is not fully healed, but I am feeling much better and I can type, albeit slowly.

Here is an image of my fractured hip. My doctor was kind enough to give me a disk with a copy of my X-Rays. Has anyone else experienced this? What kinds of things did you do to allieviate the pain?

Clarity

2008-06-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

In real-life journalism (as opposed to the so-called blogosphere) when a mistake or innuendo is printed, often a retraction is printed in the following edition. This is such an instance.

When I posted about the restaurant that Philip and I visited while on the coast I was not aware of any innuendo in the title of the restaurant. Please forgive any impropriety do to my "street" naivete.

Click here for a full understanding of said retraction.

Getting Ready for the Trip

2008-06-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

I only have a few things left to do in order to be fully prepared for the upcoming bus tour. Today I purchased a Buxton Bag. I have seen the infomercial on the Soap Network many times; I was at Walgreens purchasing some vitamins and some other odds and ends and I saw the Buxton Bag in the "As Seen on TV" section. I was elated! At the very reasonable price point of just $19.99 I now have the most effective organization bag I have ever seen. The picture below simply does not do this bag justice. Go out and buy one now!

x Retired English Professor

"Down on the Boondocks"

2008-06-27T20:15:00.001-07:00

Today Philip and I drove out to Dunes City via Highway 126. It was a beautiful drive and it is always beautiful on the coast. He wanted to take me to one of his favorite places to eat out on the docks: a little place called The Beach Chicken. It is a small, locally owned shop that specializes in all kinds of fried chicken and wings. I tried the "Southern Style BBQ" and Philip had the "Chicken Fried Chicken". After letting the heavy food settle for a little while, we walked along the boardwalk and took in the smell of the ocean. For those that have not been to the Oregon coast, it is not like the southern California beaches you see on television and movies; the coast is covered in sharp rocks and broken shells. We were perfectly content walking on the boardwalk. We had a great little day trip and we look forward to our longer trip coming up very soon!

x Retired English Professor

Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

2008-06-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

It's about time I let the cat out of the proverbial bag. I have been seeing someone for a few months now. This is the real reason I have not posted as often as I would have liked. In my previous post I mention spending time with members of the book club; while true, there was a level of deception as well. Philip Aleksander has been a member of the book club for at least as long as I have been a member. He was there when my husband passed and the ensuing months of grief. He is a wonderful man and I could not be more happy to spend time with him.

A brief biography of Philip:
If you will notice the unique spelling of his last name, Aleksander, you will realize that it is the Anglicized Russian, rather than the transliterated "Alexander". Philip's parents were Russian immigrants who moved to the Peugeot Sound, Washington area. Philip's father was a fisherman and his mother ran their booth at the fish market in the Sound. Philip grew up in this environment but wanted a piece of the "American Dream". He attended the University of Eastern Washington and later graduate school at the University of Southern California. He was also a faculty member of the University of Oregon, but in a different department so we never had the pleasure of meeting due to work circumstances.

Besides the obvious reader interest we both share, we enjoy people watching in the very busy pedestrian section in downtown Eugene as well as hiking. Philip will be accompanying me on the bus tour of the western United States. We are excited to see many new things!

x Retired English Professor

Busy, Busy, Busy!

2008-06-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

I hereby offer obligatory apologies for not completing the aforementioned regular posts.

I, with several members of the book club I attend, have started attending a water aerobics class at the YMCA. We achieve a decent workout while not adding undue stress to our elderly bodies. The class is almost entirely made up of seniors and one young lady.

Following said workout, we catch the early-bird special at Denny's. I have been enjoying the "Moons Over My Hammy". It's a delicious breakfast sandwich, not to mention the clever name.

Plans for the summer include a trip to Bend for a few days and then a bus tour of the western United States. The tour will begin in Eugene and head down Highway 1. We will stop for crabbing in Crescent City, California; a tour of the Presidio in San Fransisco; gambling in Reno; and seeing a performance of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Other exciting things along the route include Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox, Redwood National Forest, and the Salt Flats.

I hope to take many pictures with my new camera. My grandchildren went together for a gift for my birthday and bought me a beautiful camera. I have never taken many pictures, so this should be an adventure!

Anna Karenina

2008-03-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Anna Karenina by Leo Nikoleyevich Tolstoy again. What a beautiful story! I am amazed at the beauty of the prose and the clarity of the text. This is what we should all strive for in our writing. I hope that my writing is clear to those reading this blog. Please let me know in the comments if I am unclear in any way. Thank you.

x Retired English Professor

Concerning Posting

2008-03-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that certain individuals have become quite incensed by my discovery, and subsequent correction, of grammatical issues on the individuals' blog. When embarking upon this venture, I did not intend to insult or anger anyone. I simply had a desire to continue that which led me to want to teach in the first place: that is, the instruction of the English language. I do not have the liberty of continuing in the classroom at this point of my life. Over the past decade, the English language has begun to see its demise. With no national language in the United States, illegal immigration at its highest point in history, email, text messaging, instant messenger and the like, our language is suffering.

In the seventeenth century, Cardinal Richelieu founded the Academie francaise whose sole goal was to codify and preserve the French language - to maintain the purity of the language. This Academy is still intact. In fact, the group (composed mainly of French academics) meets regularly to debate the legitimacy adding new words to the language. Often, the Academy will vote to introduce a new word, but will not use the English, or otherwise, form of the word. For example, the word computer is translated as ordinateur. This may not seem strange that one word in English is a different word in another language, but with "new" words, most languages adopt the word in its original form.

We must, as Americans, preserve the English language for our posterity. I will continue to do my best to further the cause of American English as the national language, even if it means upsetting a few individuals along the way. To those, I sincerely apologize, but the work must go on. I encourage you to join with me in this endeavor; do not settle for anything less than your best, even in your daily conversations, but especially in print.

x Retired English Professor

Mt. Hood and the Book Club

2008-03-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, a few friends from the Springfield/Eugene Book Club went up to Mt. Hood to do some nature walking. There was still a little bit of snow, but we certainly had a great time walking and talking! We would like to do an official "Book Club on the Go" since it was so enjoyable. My only concern is for some of the older members who may not be able to move as well as us, the "younger" members; there is also the issue of hearing aids, which several members of the Book Club currently use. If you are interested in joining our club, there is some more information here:

http://www.klcc.org/Calendar.asp?EventID=2616

I am sorry that I don't know how to many the link look nice. Please leave a comment if you know how to do that.

Letter to the Hippies:

2008-03-22T19:19:00.001-07:00

This is something that I have been contemplating for quite some time: writing a letter to all the hippies in Eugene, Oregon.

Dear modern-day hippies,

I refer to you as such since the "Hippie" movement has been over for nearly forty years. The ideals of a free lifestyle are no longer needed. If your hearts' desire is to play hacky-sacky and smoke the marijuana, that is fine. But please don't do it in downtown Eugene. Eugene is a beautiful city with many exciting and wonderful things to do. You are ruining the culture of the town because of your dreadlocks and your unkempt beards (not to mention the accompanying smell). There are some nice wooded areas surrounding Eugene on every side. I would encourage you to seek out these places and avoid the high traffic areas of downtown.

x Retired English Professor

My Pets

2008-03-15T11:19:00.001-07:00

I am back! My last post was back in December, as you can see below. The family came in for the holidays and I became quite distracted. I have joined a quilting group with some of my former colleagues from the University, but we are now taking a break since several members of the group are visiting family for Easter and Spring Break, so I have returned to this blog.

One of my neighbors has been asking me to tell how I chose the names for my five cats. I have procrastinated for months, but here it is:

Odysseus - From Homer's epic poems Iliad and Odyssey.

Caligula - The third Emperor of the Roman Empire.

Dido - Queen of Carthage.

Aeneas - Trojan hero and an important character in the founding of Rome according to Roman mythology.

Fluffy - No character from classic literature here, but it's such a cute name! She is, in fact, quite fluffy!

Welcome!

2007-12-08T18:27:00.000-08:00

As it turns out, retirement is not as exciting as I thought it once was. After correcting papers for over thirty years, it has been a challenge to not have english as an active part of my life. One of the reasons I had decided to retire is that I felt the students were getting worse and worse each year. I thought that my effectiveness had diminished, so I had decided to step down. I now realize that the writing of the students had not diminished due to my teaching ability, but because of AOL Instant Messenger, Text Messaging, and E-Mail. Since I cannot correct individual's direct messaging, I have decided to take to blogging and correcting the grammar of blogs I come across to waste the time away. If I happen to find your blog and correct some of your writing, please do not take it personally; I am just a bored, retired English Professor.